I'm trying to make a good impression and I don't want to seem distracted, not put-together, stressed. Maybe amp up your own activities so you're super busy too and don't have time to freak out? I agree with leaving things in his court. Yeah, you've made a couple of attempts already, so leave the next step to him. Let me know when you'd like to hang out," or something along those lines.
You can continue to chat by e-mail, but let him take the initiative when he's ready to get together again. I dated an extremely busy guy once, and it wasn't his being busy that bothered me. It was the fact that he sort of just fit me in whenever it was convenient, and if it wasn't, I might not hear from him for weeks not even a quick hello by e-mail. The message was, "You mean less to me than everything else in my life.
So I would beware of taking more initiative than he does just because you have less on your plate right now. Seeing how he naturally prioritizes work, school, dating, etc. I met the woman I married while working full time and getting an MBA at night 4 classes the semester we met. My weekend days were in group project work. I have two overriding thoughts. One, if he wants to make time, he will. Not every night, but he can find time once a week for at least an hour of drinks or a casual meal.
He has to eat anyway right? Also, with email, texting and other instant type communication sort of like the phone when I was your age. That thing that is part of the sms device , there is no reason why he and you cannot be in touch daily or more or less depending on what you both think is reasonable. Two, it will be very hard to develop a full emotional relationship. Good chance you end up being friends with benefits type relationship. Relationships develop with face to face communication and spending time together.
There will be a lot of pressure when you do get together. Be careful with this "super busy" thing. I put up with it for a long time in one relationship, and right before I was about to say "I'm going to find someone less busy" he dumped ME and proceeded to dote on another woman and have time for her he never had for me.
I'm not saying your dude is that. But listen to your instincts if you think it is. Yep I've been the super busy guy in my younger days.
Unless he is in a profession that requires him quite literally to be on-call then at some point he can make time for you. Don't let it progress very far without demanding at least that from him. Many people who are "Super busy" just don't know how to prioritize things. If you aren't a priority get the fuck out.
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As a lawyer, who married a litigator, who's related to other litigators, who work hour weeks They may not be able to make as MUCH time as they'd like to, or as much as you'd like them to. Whether you can deal with that is up to you. A really, really nice thing to do, when someone is working this hard, is to drop a nice brown-bag lunch by their office if you can.
And if this wouldn't be creepy or stalkery.
Dating Someone Who is Always Busy
Or have something sent up for them on a night you know they're working late. Something that says, "I am thinking of you, I know you are working too hard, and I want to take care of you while you are working crazy hours in this little way that does not demand your time but in fact makes your life easier. When my husband litigates I try to relieve the pressure on him by doing little things that take small amounts of time but add up to stress for him if he has to do them, whether that's putting away his laundry, making him a lunch, picking up all his papers after he's gone to bed and restoring them to his briefcase before morning -- whatever.
I also often make him a snack plate for right when he gets home and leave it on the counter so he can eat as soon as he comes in, because he's always forgetting to eat when he litigates and not eating makes him the crankiest person on the planet. The best things you can do for someone who is this busy and works this hard is to try to show them affection in ways that RELIEVE their stress and that don't demand time. At least with litigators, there are periods of insane business and periods of more normal hours, and I always know the normal hours we'll have more time together.
I have had a busy to insane schedule in the many years I've been with my husband -- but always found time to spend with him. I'd hang loose right now, as the ball is definitely in your romantic interest's court. But I have to say that really keen people find the opportunities to see and talk to the people they are keen on. That this isn't happening suggests your level of interest may be greater than his.
And by the way, apparently extraordinary people like this guy may be around because they make a practice of really never being truly available. Sometimes people stay away from making a commitment, because they prefer to be in control of the relationship, or because they like the flattery of being pursued and desired, or because they are not willing to trust someone else to accept their off stage persona. Not saying that is the case here, but reminding you that you don't know this guy very well, so stay alert. That sounds actually kind of great - I'm happy for you! Two busy people can make a great long-term relationship, though the early dating stages may be kind of hell on skates.
For me, similar situations have resulted in getting extrmely casual around each other pretty quickly. I give the other person a run-down of my schedule okay, I'd love to do coffee, I'm free Tuesday at 2, Wednesday after work till 7, and then not again till Sunday, when I know you've got to work, but if anything changes Sunday afternoon would be awesome, otherwise maybe Monday lunch, so long as I'm back in the office by 1: The errands and the dates blur, and suddenly you're in each other's hip pockets and being super-practical, but having a great time.
It's too much work to have a budding relationship, which fosters kind of an all or nothing approach. For the short-term, your job is done - he knows you want to see him, and he's got some options of when that might be, so his next step is to send you a counter-proposal. If he doesn't do so right away, that may just be that the hypothetical counter-proposal would be for more than a week from now, and that feels ridiculous.
Give him some time after the weekend, if you know he's busy till then then get him on the phone and ask him to give you some options to see what might fit with you. I can empathize with being busy, but I also know what it's like when someone uses busyness as a way of keeping me in a one-down position. When I'm extra-busy, I am more careful about being polite and keeping my word, not less.
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So if he is at any point actively rude or inconsiderate - ignores an invitation, stands you up, cancels at short notice without an excellent excuse and without proffering a concrete plan to make it up to you - take it as a sign of how important you are to him. If he says "I'm super busy this week but can I call you on Sunday and see where I am," and then he does it - even if it's just to explain why he can't see you the following week - that's okay.
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If he doesn't call on Sunday, and then calls on Wednesday, that's bad, especially if he's only calling to tell you he'll call you sometime in the undetermined future. You have to regard waffling as a way of putting you in your place, even if he's totally innocent and that's the furthest thing from his mind, because unfortunately you will end up in a one-down position because of it. You will be sitting by the phone at 10pm having waited all day for a call that never comes. Too many interests Then there are people who like being involved in a whole lot of hobbies, interests and clubs; they are usually full of energy and feel the need to be constantly trying out new things and engaging with newer experiences.
The familiar is boring and unattractive to them. So if your partner likes to discuss Monet or Renoir, consider organizing a date around an art exhibition or spending an afternoon at the art gallery. Also whenever you can, combine two different activities into one.
And then over a cup of latte and small eats, you can spend some quality time with each other. This way your partner need not have wasted a whole evening and at the same time, given a boost to your personal life. Some people like to feel closer — both physically and emotionally — to their partners than others.
Dating the super-busy | Ask MetaFilter
If despite your best efforts you feel that your needs are not being met in this relationship, it may be time for you to move on. On the other hand you could pick up an engaging job or some interesting hobbies which would fill your spare time and make you less dependent on your partner for socializing. Skip to main content. You are here Home. Log in to post comments Printer-friendly version.
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